ON JIHAD: THE END OF ISIS MAY COME ONE NUTJOB AT A TIME

The Hong Kong Daily News reported in its famous weekly culinary section this week that shark fin soup may be on its way out as a holiday tradition for wealthy Chinese. The newspaper states the change is not due to sensitivity about adverse news coverage or pressure from international conservation groups.

According to renowned Chef Swe-hing Lo, the change is occurring as Chinese men discover that the testicles of jihadists are an aphrodisiac. 

Chef Lo's research has shown high amounts of testosterone centered in the testicles of these men who wage war against innocent civilians. "I don't know why it is so, but I can tell you my customers are happy in their performance after dining on these delicacies."

Lo's, the appropriately named Beijing restaurant, has created two dishes employing the hard to procure jihadi jewels.  He serves the testicles in traditional Chinese broth; and he has created a testicle and shrimp marriage of the two distinct textures.  The latter dish has been given a Chinese name that roughly translates into, "Happy Family Men's Privates." 

Mr. Lo, as he likes to be called, stated his male customers prefer their testicles in his broth. "It seems they like their testicles straight up," he claimed, "by a four to one margin."  
A frustrated Mr. Lo continued, "I am afraid some Iraqi and Syrian families have discovered this specialty item and are refusing to export the rare nuts from their battlefields." The 49-year-old chef added, "We Chinese will prevail, however, as once we have a taste for something delicious we will do whatever it takes to keep it all to ourselves, as we did with the shark fins." 

The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, also known as ISIL, has called on the United Nations to end this brutal treatment of its fighters. Spokesman Ali bin Iraqani, who lost a testicle in the battle for Mosul, issued a statement on the ISIL Twitter feed, "How are we to continue our fight to bring the third Century back to life in the Middle East if the essence of our comrades is turned into soup."

A spokesman for the International Institute on Shark Research, headquartered in Sydney, Australia, was quoted as saying, "This is the best news sharks have had in generations."  "I'd rather see ball-less jihadis than fin-less sharks any day," he proclaimed.  

White House spokesman Josh Earnest said President Obama was effusive in his support of this growing Chinese culinary trend. "The President called Chinese President Xi Jinping this morning and asked him to bring Chef Lo's broth recipe for his visit with us this September," said Earnest. "Mr. Obama wished the Chinese President, 'Bon Appetit,'" the spokesman added. 

The Pentagon issued a statement saying only that, "If this trend goes as planned, and knowing our esteemed Asian friends as we do this appetite will expand, we predict the Chinese will eat their way through our war on terror within a period of less than ten years."