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RIP: 1937-2008
George Carlin, the great comic genius, is long gone from our lives. In his honor I make a feeble attempt to write in his style. If you are offended by anything I say, obviously you learned how to read...perhaps, even, at a tender goddamned age.
Note: I've never had a harder time letting a blog go public...it's the language, I think. |
Dear America:
1. Quit calling yourselves Americans, as if the rest of the cocksuckers who live in the Western Hemisphere aren't Americans also. Every swinging dick and pussy from Nunavut to Cape Hope is a fucking American. Got it! Maybe we from the USA should call ourselves gringos or Yanks, or, perhaps, dipshits! That's nice and humble sounding, dipshits! Everyone south of California calls us gringos...even most of the people who live in Texas and Florida use that term. Get over your damn selves, gringos.
2. Stop screaming about "fucking illegals." They didn't take your job. Fucking Walmart and those other greedy cocksuckers sold us to China and Pakistan years ago. By the way, everyone in this country save the natives are fucking illegal. How the hell do you think the son of a bitch Western Hemisphere was founded (as if it was lost)? Illegal motherfuckers came from England, Spain, Portugal, and France and planted fucking flags, fucked the native women, killed the native men, gave everyone syphilis, then stole every goddamned thing they could get their hands on, from gold and emeralds to tobacco and cocoa.
3. And, hey, South fucking America, the Spaniards weren't nice and the church they left still fucks with your heads. In Colombia it's okay to fuck a 12-year-old girl, get her pregnant, then leave her stranded. Then, her abuela tells her she has to birth the baby because Father Jose says its a goddamned mortal sin to abort the little fetus...you know the thing inside your fucking sobrina with the size and thought processes of a small brown turd!
4. Back north, for my fellow fucking white people in the United States. Get over your damn selves. You're a goddamned dying breed. Your stupid, lazy, racist...and, that's the nice assholes who went to college. The rest of you lily-white dipshits couldn't find your ass with both hands. You think dinosaurs walked the earth with fucking humans. You think there is a god that exists and gives a shit about you. Sorry, fuckfaces, you're wrong on both counts. And, that asshole you like, Trump, he will wind up with ten times as much money in his pocket...stolen from every fucking one of us...before you throw him out after his first term. That is if he isn't impeached within two fucking weeks of taking office.
5. You liberal assholes who think I'm letting you off, forget it. You are among those I claimed were stupid, lazy and racist, remember? Oh, I forgot, your from the USA. Your attention span is shorter than your boyfriend's dick. The best you could come up with was a fucking aging Socialist and an old bitch war monger whose husband is not even smart enough to cum in his aide's mouth instead of her dress. Hillary thinks pretending she has balls makes her Presidential. John Kennedy and Barack Obama...yes, I put them in the same sentence...could dance the hula around all three of those bitches and still make sense of a tense situation (think Soviet missiles in Cuba and the worst fucking recession since The Great Depression).
6. All you folks from south of the fucking Florida Keys who made a home in the good old fucking USA, welcome. Now, get off your asses and vote as if your life depends on it, because it does (see who got elected?). Use your fucking heads instead of "su pollos, su gatitas o su corazons (for gringos, find a goddamned dictionary and pretend you know how to think for yourselves). And, put all that macho shit to bed. It's why, next to African Americans, your nalgas are in fucking prison so much. Tell Cardinal asshole to kiss your culo and think for yourself. All those fucking roadside crosses for that asshole cousin Yaneth who was drunk and driving 90 mph through Alligator Alley in South Florida ain't going to bring her back or do a goddamned thing for her family.
7. African Americans, please listen up. Your men are in jail because all of the laws and the system are laid out against you. White fucking cocksuckers don't like you because your easy to pick out of a lineup...like raisins in Raisin Bran. No one is asking you to be white or sell out, but come on now, you gotta take some fucking responsibility here. All those damn children who are getting shot in Chicago ain't shooting they goddamn selves. If you know a gang member, turn him in. If you know two, turn them both in. Fuck'em. If you find your son with a gun, take it away and whoop his black ass...yeah, like your grandmama used to do to your ass when you acted dumber than a turd. I know it's not hip now, but fuck hip. Black folks are killing themselves and it's gotta stop. Whitey and those damned police? Going to protect you? They aren't going to help ya'll...except to kill more of ya's.
8. And, the rest of you sons a bitches...you know, you chinks, gooks, towel heads, and chinamen. Yeah! I'm talking to you too you Somalia pirates, jim fish, camel jockeys, curry munchers hori, mulattos, zambos, apples and lobos. You're all fucking gringos now.
Ain't the USA just the best place to live?
4. Back north, for my fellow fucking white people in the United States. Get over your damn selves. You're a goddamned dying breed. Your stupid, lazy, racist...and, that's the nice assholes who went to college. The rest of you lily-white dipshits couldn't find your ass with both hands. You think dinosaurs walked the earth with fucking humans. You think there is a god that exists and gives a shit about you. Sorry, fuckfaces, you're wrong on both counts. And, that asshole you like, Trump, he will wind up with ten times as much money in his pocket...stolen from every fucking one of us...before you throw him out after his first term. That is if he isn't impeached within two fucking weeks of taking office.
5. You liberal assholes who think I'm letting you off, forget it. You are among those I claimed were stupid, lazy and racist, remember? Oh, I forgot, your from the USA. Your attention span is shorter than your boyfriend's dick. The best you could come up with was a fucking aging Socialist and an old bitch war monger whose husband is not even smart enough to cum in his aide's mouth instead of her dress. Hillary thinks pretending she has balls makes her Presidential. John Kennedy and Barack Obama...yes, I put them in the same sentence...could dance the hula around all three of those bitches and still make sense of a tense situation (think Soviet missiles in Cuba and the worst fucking recession since The Great Depression).
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