USA Announces New Branch of Military Comprised Solely of Teens

March 4, 2021

In a surprise announcement made by President Biden during his 35th press conference since taking office on January 20, 2021, the President announced the establishment of another new U.S. military branch.

This force will be composed of only teenage citizens selected through a draft and led by Vice President Pete Buttigieg.  It will be known as the United States Geek Force.

The plan is to initially hire at least 10,000 young men and women, ages 13-19, and put them to work setting up cyber security and cyber warfare programs to replace the use of military intervention.


"We young folks," said the Vice President, "know full well it is far easier, and much less expensive, to just hack into your enemy's infrastructure support systems than it is to build bombs and fly them thousands of miles."  "Why waste all that money, and all those young people, doing it the old fashioned way," added the former Mayor Pete.

"Imagine I call President Putin," said President Biden smiling,  "And, I say to him, Vlad, look out your window and tell me what you see?"   The President continued,  "Oh, all your traffic lights in Moscow are red in all directions!"  "Want to see them green now," the smiling President Biden asked?  "That'll get his attention for sure," the President laughed.

Vice President Buttigieg chimed in, "Oh, and tell them the part about you telling Putin to look at his bank account and it registers zero rubles."  "That's the best part, Joe," said the former mayor of South Bend.

In the meantime, the Vice President outlined the security program making all electricity, water, gas, and other utilities in the United States and all of its allies immune from both cyber and land attack.  "We've already perfected a technique that if you try to enter any computer, operating any system in the US," continued the young Vice President,  "your system will fry like a McDonald's fish sandwich."

According to the Vice President, the force will eventually replace the U.S. Army, Air Force, Space Force, Navy, as well as Homeland Security, ICE, and the DEA.  U.S. Marines will be kept as a small contingency force able to move to support humanitarian efforts required after natural catastrophes or uprisings.

The President also brought out a group of young men and women who have already started working as part of this new force.

When asked what the new uniforms will look like for this new force, the Vice President added, "Your looking at them."  "The only thing is we will have a cool sleeve patch and baseball cap emblazoned with the geek logo," the excited vice president added.

A new general has been selected to lead this young force according to the President.  "I like to call him Mad Dog, because of his tenaciousness," said President Biden.  "His troops just call him a Geek God," chimed in the Vice President.

His name is Albert Ross-Stevens.  The new 14-year-old General hails from Albuquerque, New Mexico.  His mom, Rosalie, was on hand for the ceremony.  She home schooled the military's newest 4-star general.  When asked for her response to her son's sudden fame, the 36-year-old mother simply said, "I just told the President he still needs to be in bed no later than 9."

According to Mr. Buttigieg the money saved on eliminating the other programs, approximately $1 Trillion per year, will be moved to fund infrastructure replacement and improvement throughout the  continental US, as well as fund a health care program for all American citizens who wish to participate.

When asked to comment, Kentucky's new junior Senator, Amy McGrath, a former Marine fighter pilot said, "It makes sense, but I'm really happy President Biden is smart enough to keep my Marines."  "Hoo Rah!"  screamed Mitch McConnell's Senate replacement