USA Announces New Branch of Military Comprised Solely of Teens

March 4, 2021

In a surprise announcement made by President Biden during his 35th press conference since taking office on January 20, 2021, the President announced the establishment of another new U.S. military branch.

This force will be composed of only teenage citizens selected through a draft and led by Vice President Pete Buttigieg.  It will be known as the United States Geek Force.

The plan is to initially hire at least 10,000 young men and women, ages 13-19, and put them to work setting up cyber security and cyber warfare programs to replace the use of military intervention.


"We young folks," said the Vice President, "know full well it is far easier, and much less expensive, to just hack into your enemy's infrastructure support systems than it is to build bombs and fly them thousands of miles."  "Why waste all that money, and all those young people, doing it the old fashioned way," added the former Mayor Pete.

"Imagine I call President Putin," said President Biden smiling,  "And, I say to him, Vlad, look out your window and tell me what you see?"   The President continued,  "Oh, all your traffic lights in Moscow are red in all directions!"  "Want to see them green now," the smiling President Biden asked?  "That'll get his attention for sure," the President laughed.

Vice President Buttigieg chimed in, "Oh, and tell them the part about you telling Putin to look at his bank account and it registers zero rubles."  "That's the best part, Joe," said the former mayor of South Bend.

In the meantime, the Vice President outlined the security program making all electricity, water, gas, and other utilities in the United States and all of its allies immune from both cyber and land attack.  "We've already perfected a technique that if you try to enter any computer, operating any system in the US," continued the young Vice President,  "your system will fry like a McDonald's fish sandwich."

According to the Vice President, the force will eventually replace the U.S. Army, Air Force, Space Force, Navy, as well as Homeland Security, ICE, and the DEA.  U.S. Marines will be kept as a small contingency force able to move to support humanitarian efforts required after natural catastrophes or uprisings.

The President also brought out a group of young men and women who have already started working as part of this new force.

When asked what the new uniforms will look like for this new force, the Vice President added, "Your looking at them."  "The only thing is we will have a cool sleeve patch and baseball cap emblazoned with the geek logo," the excited vice president added.

A new general has been selected to lead this young force according to the President.  "I like to call him Mad Dog, because of his tenaciousness," said President Biden.  "His troops just call him a Geek God," chimed in the Vice President.

His name is Albert Ross-Stevens.  The new 14-year-old General hails from Albuquerque, New Mexico.  His mom, Rosalie, was on hand for the ceremony.  She home schooled the military's newest 4-star general.  When asked for her response to her son's sudden fame, the 36-year-old mother simply said, "I just told the President he still needs to be in bed no later than 9."

According to Mr. Buttigieg the money saved on eliminating the other programs, approximately $1 Trillion per year, will be moved to fund infrastructure replacement and improvement throughout the  continental US, as well as fund a health care program for all American citizens who wish to participate.

When asked to comment, Kentucky's new junior Senator, Amy McGrath, a former Marine fighter pilot said, "It makes sense, but I'm really happy President Biden is smart enough to keep my Marines."  "Hoo Rah!"  screamed Mitch McConnell's Senate replacement

THE USA HAS BECOME A "SHITHOLE" COUNTRY: AND I HAVE THE T-SHIRT TO PROVE IT!

T-SHIRT: $24.95 FROM CUSTOMINK.COM

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T BOTHER TO VOTE!

Those persons who wish to destroy your country and its ideals are the ones who decide who is elected to lead your country.  

Is that really what you want?  

REGISTER AND VOTE!

THIS IS WHAT YOU CAUSE WHEN YOU DON'T VOTE IN THE UNITED STATES

A child in Texas writes a letter to Santa Claus asking for food and a blanket. 

The rich pose for photos with money as if they're proud they let children starve in the cold night.

ON THE SEASON: A LETTER FROM BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH TO FATHER CHRISTMAS

Dear Father Christmas,
So my friend has asked me to write to you... I have to confess it's been hard to know what to say. Mainly because like most adults I feel preposterous asking anything of you because our time with you is surely done. Now we get our own presents, control our own fates, take responsibility for our own actions, and live in the world we have created... so it's not for us to turn around and plead for your help with the environment, the migrant crisis, the NHS, education, food banks, human rights, fundamentalism and wars. Though God knows we need all the help we can get with all these man-made problems and more.

And it's not that you aren't compassionate and full of joy. You're great. In spite of you being changed into different colours for corporations and being bastardised to represent materialism gone mad - despite probably originating in some season based pagan druid ritual a million thought miles from requests for spontaneously combusting hoverboards... Kidadults cynically pointing this out after having their moment of belief in you are wasting everyone's precious time. Because you are not for them. You are for the children. Children who need some magic in a world where the borders between innocence and responsibility, playful imagination and cold, adult obstacles are continually shrinking.

This is what I'd like to ask you to help with. A little more time for children to be children. Stretch the moment of magic and playfulness. Distract them from the realities of a world gone mad so that they can laugh with their breath rather than sob with their tears. Especially those caring for family members, or suffering illness, hunger or poverty. Especially those hiding in buildings as bombs rain down, or being handed shaking with fear or cold into a boat to escape environmental disaster or war. Please help to light up their worlds with a moment of joy and hope.

When I think about it you've got it tough this year... And when I really think about it I'm not sure that asking you for a lightsaber and getting one (not that I ever did by the way) is equatable with controlling the space time continuum and making the good of childhood last a little longer.

But you do inspire wonder and awe amongst those that write you letters and go to sleep hoping there might be a new object in their possession come dawn. You inspire good behaviour and, at least in my memory, some desperate last minute attempts to redeem bad behaviour so as not to be overlooked. Spare a thought too for those millions who want to write to you but through illiteracy can't. Hear their words and help to give them the time and chance to learn how to read and write so they can better their lives and escape their impoverished beginnings.

I feel a little sorry for you. And I guess I've done exactly what I said I wouldn't... Asked you to help with adult problems and solve some of the greatest worries we have for our children. I promise to leave some extra port and mince pies for you!

Lots of love

Benedict x

P.S. Please could I have that lightsaber now? 

ON BEING OFFENSIVE: AND MAKING A POINT

RIP: 1937-2008

George Carlin, the great comic genius, is long gone from our lives. In his honor I make a feeble attempt to write in his style. If you are offended by anything I say, obviously you learned how to read...perhaps, even, at a tender goddamned age.

Note: I've never had a harder time letting a blog go public...it's  the language, I think.

Dear America:

1. Quit calling yourselves Americans, as if the rest of the cocksuckers who live in the Western Hemisphere aren't Americans also. Every swinging dick and pussy from Nunavut to Cape Hope is a fucking American.  Got it! Maybe we from the USA should call ourselves gringos or Yanks, or, perhaps, dipshits! That's nice and humble sounding, dipshits! Everyone south of California calls us gringos...even most of the people who live in Texas and Florida use that term.  Get over your damn selves, gringos.  

2.  Stop screaming about "fucking illegals."  They didn't take your job. Fucking Walmart and those other greedy cocksuckers sold us to China and Pakistan years ago.  By the way, everyone in this country save the natives are fucking illegal. How the hell do you think the son of a bitch Western Hemisphere was founded (as if it was lost)? Illegal motherfuckers came from England, Spain, Portugal, and France and planted fucking flags, fucked the native women, killed the native men, gave everyone syphilis, then stole every goddamned thing they could get their hands on, from gold and emeralds to tobacco and cocoa.  

3. And, hey, South fucking America, the Spaniards weren't nice and the church they left still fucks with your heads. In Colombia it's okay to fuck a 12-year-old girl, get her pregnant, then leave her stranded. Then, her abuela tells her she has to birth the baby because Father Jose says its a goddamned mortal sin to abort the little fetus...you know the thing inside your fucking sobrina with the size and thought processes of a small brown turd!

4. Back north, for my fellow fucking white people in the United States. Get over your damn selves.  You're a goddamned dying breed. Your stupid, lazy, racist...and, that's the nice assholes who went to college. The rest of you lily-white dipshits couldn't find your ass with both hands.  You think dinosaurs walked the earth with fucking humans. You think there is a god that exists and gives a shit about you. Sorry, fuckfaces, you're wrong on both counts. And, that asshole you like, Trump, he will wind up with ten times as much money in his pocket...stolen from every fucking one of us...before you throw him out after his first term. That is if he isn't impeached within two fucking weeks of taking office.

5. You liberal assholes who think I'm letting you off, forget it. You are among those I claimed were stupid, lazy and racist, remember?  Oh, I forgot, your from the USA.  Your attention span is shorter than your boyfriend's dick.  The best you could come up with was a fucking aging Socialist and an old bitch war monger whose husband is not even smart enough to cum in his aide's mouth instead of her dress.  Hillary thinks pretending she has balls makes her Presidential. John Kennedy and Barack Obama...yes, I put them in the same sentence...could dance the hula around all three of those bitches and still make sense of a tense situation (think Soviet missiles in Cuba and the worst fucking recession since The Great Depression).

6. All you folks from south of the fucking Florida Keys who made a home in the good old fucking USA, welcome. Now, get off your asses and vote as if your life depends on it, because it does (see who got elected?). Use your fucking heads instead of "su pollos, su gatitas o su corazons (for gringos, find a goddamned dictionary and pretend you know how to think for yourselves). And, put all that macho shit to bed.  It's why, next to African Americans, your nalgas are in fucking prison so much. Tell Cardinal asshole to kiss your culo and think for yourself.  All those fucking roadside crosses for that asshole cousin Yaneth who was drunk and driving 90 mph through Alligator Alley in South Florida ain't going to bring her back or do a goddamned thing for her family.

7. African Americans, please listen up.  Your men are in jail because all of the laws and the system are laid out against you. White fucking cocksuckers don't like you because your easy to pick out of a lineup...like raisins in Raisin Bran.  No one is asking you to be white or sell out, but come on now, you gotta take some fucking responsibility here.  All those damn children who are getting shot in Chicago ain't shooting they goddamn selves. If you know a gang member, turn him in.  If you know two, turn them both in. Fuck'em. If you find your son with a gun, take it away and whoop his black ass...yeah, like your grandmama used to do to your ass when you acted dumber than a turd.  I know it's not hip now, but fuck hip. Black folks are killing themselves and it's gotta stop. Whitey and those damned police? Going to protect you? They aren't going to help ya'll...except to kill more of ya's.

8. And, the rest of you sons a bitches...you know, you chinks, gooks, towel heads, and chinamen. Yeah! I'm talking to you too you Somalia pirates, jim fish, camel jockeys, curry munchers hori, mulattos, zambos, apples and lobos. You're all fucking gringos now.  

Ain't the USA just the best place to live? 

ON SCARING WOMEN AND THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY TO DEATH:TRUMPENCE

Okay, kids, sit down, grab a beverage...oh, and pull your pants down and sit on the seat in your house with the hole in the middle and the water under your derriere.  Yes, what I'm about to mention will really dirty your pants if you leave them on your body.

Trump has been elected President of the United States and he is to be sworn in on January 20, 2017. The genteel Obama family vacates the premises.

The oldest man ever elected President of the United States  realizes he wasn't elected King and Emperor and resigns during the first week because he cannot rule by fiat and the Secret Service closes his Twitter account for national security reasons.  

By quitting after being sworn in he gets some perks he likes, however.  He gets 24-hour security at no cost to him. He gets a pension and all his office and other expenses paid in full every year for the rest of his life.

Oh, the scaring you to death part I mentioned in the title? Four years living under President Mike Pence. 

Read 'em and weep.


Click Here: 
http://countercurrentnews.com/2016/11/pence-confirms-trump-presidency-will-anti-lgbt-anti-womens-rights/#